Passion, Dream, Purpose. Desire. August 18, 2009

I feel like Davy Jones, although in a different way altogether, in that it is in returning to the Sea that I find my heart once again. Well, at least a piece of it. Over the last year or so I have been on a journey of discovery, a journey of discovery that, at the end or perhaps simply a place along the way, has lead me to realize that my whole heart no longer, or never has, fully resided in the crashing of the powerful waves but in fact has been divided and spread wide. One piece remains locked firmly away on a fishing boat that waits patiently for her lady to return with the coming of the summer and salmon run, although I have come to realize that though my heart will forever remain on the Last Frontier, it may decrease as I set out to discover and conquer New Frontiers. New frontiers such as my middle school girls, who remind me of where I came from, and no matter how cool and in the know I think I am, I started out just as awkward and oblivious as they are now, and in reality I still see myself in them. Another piece, perhaps my greatest treasure, lies with my family always. Even if at times we can be each other’s stumbling blocks and greatest critics, they are also a strong haven to run to and confide in.  The most recent hiding place for my heart is, as of February 2006, Honduras and more widely Central America. For years my mother has always said that I was meant to be a part of the Hispanic culture because of my love for bright and vivid colors, and perhaps she is right. But more than just the colors, the enormity of the collective heart of these people and the brilliant and intricate make up of their culture and who they are as a people group draws me in, in a way that I have never experienced before. Their ability to love and share and just be simply grateful for what little they do have astounds me. The simplicity and honesty allures. I sincerely believe that God has led me on this journey to help me prepare to relinquish that which has so long defined who I was and am as an individual, that which I saw as my only distinction among many. God will often require us to release our grip on one aspect of our lives in order to entrust us with something else far greater than we could have ever imagined. For the last few months God has been pressing on my heart an urgent desire to return to Central America with a team from my school I am in the process of making that dream a reality, I know it will be hard, with many obstacles in my way but with a spirit of perseverance and faith I will trust in God’s guidance and will. I do not know where with journey will take me and to where it will ultimately end but He has promised us great plans for each of our futures, and I firmly believe that He is beginning to reveal His ultimate plan for me, for which He has been preparing me for all these years.

I feel this transition coming, my time of living in timidity and fear is coming to an end, even if I am not fully ready to realize and accept that idea. My passion is for missions, short term missions; my dream is to enable others to live their best lives in every way; my purpose is to act, mobilize and change the world; my desire through it all is to serve my God whole heartedly, completely, beyond the weaknesses that I see in myself.

The Response… March 15, 2009

This post is in response to a comment from a guy named Jon from my “Art of Knowing” post…

I have often heard the question of, “Why is it that life seems to go fine for those who are not Christians but for those of us who live out our faith life seems so hard?” And the answer often given is this, “Satan does not need to attack those who are not Christians, they are right where he wants them, in a state of complacency, while to those of us who are Xian’s he unleashes his full force because he is not going to give us up without a fight.”

“Maybe the people who ask this question just don’t know many non-Christians, but please don’t fool yourself that things are going fine across the board for any group of people. I have been both and can tell you that atheists have the same problems that Christians do.” 

– Jon

 

 

“…we can ignore even pleasures. But pain insists on being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

 

I realize that non-Christians suffer, I live with a very non-Christian and I see how she suffers and it makes my incredibly sad. But all I can do is live out the truth for her and pray that God will choose to use this to make her discontent with the life that she is living and look for something more. On my college campus I hear and see every day that these students are suffering but I also see the movement of God on our campus and it gives me incredible joy and hope. When I quoted that question I was referring to only one small part of suffering, suffering from a specific point of view. I was referring to when Satan attacks us in order to stop us from doing what God has called us to do. Human suffering is, on every level, the result of living in a fallen world. How we view and respond to those sufferings is the great divider. With reference to the struggles of Christians vs. non-Christians, I am talking about those times when things go wrong while we are living for Him, when God has our attention. Each “side” has their uses for suffering and struggles, one to divide and conquer, the other to reconcile. Struggles, due to sin and other factors, are present on either side. Those who are not Christians suffer because God is trying to get them to turn to Him and Satan is using those trials to turn them away and make them angry with God. We either sink deeper into sin, and things get better because Satan likes it that way or things get worse because God is not willing to give in and let us give up. The same is true when, as Christians, we go through trials because Satan is trying to pull us away from dependence on God or God is trying to make us stronger in our faith and fully dependent on Him.

 

Romans 5:3-4

Faith Brings Joy

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials,

for we know that they are food for us –

they help us learn to endure .

And endurance develops strength of character in us,

and character strengthens our confident

expectation of salvation.

 

This question primarily arises, I think, because when we are living fully for God and being His ambassadors, we feel a sense of entitlement, that it is some sort of two way street. We make a bargain with God that if we work for Him then, He will clear the way for us and make every thing work out perfectly. This does not happen though, and for two reasons I think: 1. Satan does not want us to work for God so he puts up roadblocks and 2. God allows and uses those roadblocks to fulfill Romans 5:3-4. Without trials and difficulty, we would not learn to walk by faith and to endure. Essentially, it would be too easy and we would gain nothing from this work, it would take no step (or leap) of faith.

 

So, whether this question is valid or not, we still ask it and I don’t think we will very easily give up on or feeling of entitlement. 

The Art of Knowing January 29, 2009

“…So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows

and love simply expands to contain it. Love is just the skin of knowing.”

 

The Shack, pg. 155

 

For the last three weeks my church here in MT has been doing a series on The Shack and in reading this book and hearing sermons, evaluating and measuring it, I have learned a great deal. The section above is just one of the many passages that deeply impacted me, and made me realize certain things about my life and situation over the last few months.

 

As many of you know I am once again living in the dorms. This choice, that seemed simple and “easy” at the end of last year, has been anything but easy and noninvasive.

 

In the two weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I reached the lowest and darkest point of my life, Satan was at work and he was campaigning hard for my failure in this endeavor of ministering to my peers in the dorms and my reliance on Christ.

 

My roommate this year has been a huge burden on my heart; she is not a Christian and does not have a good opinion of those who claim that title. At home she is surrounded by those who say they are Xian’s but I am guessing that, by their actions, most of them are not truly alive in Christ. In other words, she sees the flaws of people and associates that with God, which if we did not know the truth, who would blame her, I would not want anything to do with a God that I associate the flaws of people with. So, knowing this I have been trying to just live out my faith and hope that it is a testimony to her of the other side of the Christian faith, the side worth living for.

 

I have often heard the question of, “Why is it that life seems to go fine for those who are not Christians but for those of us who live out our faith life seems so hard?” And the answer often given is this, “Satan does not need to attack those who are not Christians, they are right where he wants them, in a state of complacency, while to those of us who are Xian’s he unleashes his full force because he is not going to give us up without a fight.”

 

Well by Thanksgiving I was feeling the full force of this struggle between Light and Dark. Satan was using all of my flaws, and oddly enough pet peeves, against me. It would seem that Ryan does every one of my major pet peeves (hmm…maybe God is wanting to teach me something). It got to the point that I dreaded even setting foot into my dorm room, every time that I would open my door and see her there I would just instantly feel angry and annoyed (like how dare she be in her own room!). I stopped being able to sleep, I was up till 3 am or earlier for 3 or 4 nights in a row and getting up for 8 o’clock classes. At Cru that week I was so tired that I just started to cry and could not stop, I hate crying, especially in public, but I could not stop the tears from streaming down my face, and finally one night while talking to my mom I totally broke down, sobbing on the phone (I think that I kinda freaked her out).

 

Throughout this entire period I was constantly searching for God but it seemed like he was gone, he had abandoned me, I was not good enough for him to want to help me and lead me, little did I know that this was the time that there was only one set of foot prints in the sand because he was, in fact, carrying me. 

…I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”

– Mary Stevenson –

 

Once I realized what was happening, that I was being attacked, I was so far down that I was not sure that I would be able to get back up. But God knew, and knows, what he is doing, even if I don’t.

Over Thanksgiving break Em and KT and I house-sat for a friend and it was the weirdest and most amazing blessing I have ever received or witnessed. The house was so cold that we went to bed and watched a movie at like 8 every night so that we could just get warm, so we were getting at least 14 hours of sleep every night, and good sleep was what I needed more than anything at this point, but if the house had been warm like a regular house I probably would have come away from break more tired than when it started, talk about serving a God that plans for every need that we could ever have, no matter how small!

So I continued to struggle with this situation, I would get annoyed, then I would pray and try to do better and then I would just get annoyed again; I was stuck in this cycle but at least I realized what I was up against and was trying to fight it. I would fall asleep praying for grace and wisdom but it wasn’t until after Christmas break that I really felt and experienced a change. God was starting to, and still is, change my heart toward Ryan, I was beginning to truly love her and care about her. What was once just an assignment, a need to fulfill my job of showing Christ to her, has become the desire of my heart, the expansion of my knowing her has caused my love for her to expand and grow to fit around it.

 

Romans 12:9-10

⁹Don’t just pretend that you love others. Really love them.

Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good.

¹⁰Love each other with genuine affection,

and take delight in honoring each other.

 

I had finally learned to love her as a sister and someone who desperately needs to know the genuine love of Christ and of his followers!

 

As I sit and write this I can smile, even though she is snoring and the humidifier is going. This heart change says nothing of me but everything of the Savior that has invaded this “rebel soul” and made it white as snow and malleable to His perfect will.

The deep breath before the plunge…. October 24, 2008

This is a summer project through Campus Crusades for Christ. It is in Unganda, working with orphans and reaching out to the locals for 2 weeks.  These dates do include travel time so it will be about 8 days in country…November 1st is when registration starts so there will be more up dates about this adventure of mine once that happens…

http://gosummerproject.com/showproject.php?id=597

 Ok so update. As of right now I am Not going on this trip because they have changed the dates so that it interferes with my finals. I am now looking into my second option of going to Central America with Jeff and Nancy. Which I am actually super excited about and am also trying to talk my roommate from last year into going with me too.

Talkin’ the talk October 18, 2008

Isaiah 29:13

And so the Lord says, “These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far away. And their worship of me amounts to nothing more than human laws learned by rote.”

 

This is so often the down fall of Christianity. People who are not believers see people who say that they are Christians but the way they live their lives would suggest otherwise. I have seen many examples of this complaint while living on campus, my roommate for example. She believes in a God but does is not sure about the whole “organized religion” thing because she has seen so many people who are in the front row of church every Sunday but as soon as they walk back into their everyday lives, they become a different person all together. She sees the hypocrisy and associates that with the character of God, not with the flaws of people. This is one of the saddest and most devastating truths to me about the world that we live in. Those around us that believe in a God but refuse to accept him because of our short comings and failures, not His. People see the hypocrisy and then reject our faith because we are not genuine and truthful. We are challenged to be different but not a weird different. Our eccentricity should be something that is desired, not mocked. We are called to reflect the character of God, his love, kindness and truthfulness and when we fail to do this we not only hurt ourselves but we also may be leading others away from a faith that is life changing and the most important thing they will ever discover. It’s a scary thought but it is the truth. We are God’s people and His light to the world so lets do our best in reflecting that while still being open and honest about our failures and shortcomings.

 

Restoration September 27, 2008

 

Last year in Bible study, Laurie, one of my Bible study leaders, told us this story.

Her pastor asked: “why do people fall asleep when they read their Bibles?” Most responses were because it is boring but he disagreed with that because of this verse:

 

Psalm 23   A psalm of David.
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.

2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.

3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.

4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me

5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.

6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

 

How do we restore our strength? By resting and sleeping, the pastor explained that God uses his words to relax us and restore us. God knows exactly what we need and he is willing to do whatever it takes to give us that. Whether it is sleeping or reading his word, he always refills us in just the right way.

 

Sometimes we get so carried away in our everyday lives that we run our selves down and forget how important it is to daily meet with God. It isn’t a mood or a scheduling issue, it’s a choice. Some days it is easy for us to run to God because things are hard or confusing. But other times we are just too busy, or so we think.  We ultimately choose with whom and with which activities we fill our time with and it’s the same way with God. We have to choose to listen, or talk to him or read, whether or not we feel like it. God will show up for you if you are willing to give him even the smallest part of your day, I have to choose daily to give God control and recognize that his plan for my life is WAY better than anything I could ever dream of. Some days (most) I don’t feel like doing that…I argue with him and try to negotiate with him, telling him, well if I give you this part then will you give me that other thing? But it doesn’t work that way.  We have to take time out of our daily lives to make time for God. When we stop doing it our lives start to fall apart…taking time with God wont make everything wonderful as far as our situations but it will make a difference in how we respond to it and feel about our lives…

 

Ecclesiastes 7:13

Do not question the way God does things for who can straighten what he has made crooked.

 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will direct your path.

 

Faithfulness, his enduring faithfulness September 26, 2008

1 Corinthians 1:9

God will surely do this for you, for he always does just what He says, and he is the on who invited you into this wonderful friendship with his son, Jesus.

 

I love this verse because it is our reassurance that God is faithful and that we are in this relationship with him because he chose us not because we are we are fabulous or deserve it but simply because he loves us and wants to get to know us. And it’s not only a relationship but specifically a friendship, its a two way thing. We can’t just live our lives however we want to and expect God to do his stuff…We have to put forth some effort as well, we cant just say we are Christians and not live it as well. Being a true Christian is more than just claiming the title, its gaining the title in exchange for giving our lives completely to God, allowing him to do what he said he would do, even if it is painful or hard at the time.

I am struggling right now with planning my life the way that I see it and want it to be but if I would just step back and let God have control he could create something so much greater than my finite imagination could ever come up with…I don’t mean to, it just happens and obviously it’s something that i need to work on. I need to give God my life totally so that he can help me work on the things that are wrong in my life…Last night at Cru (Campus Crusades for Christ) the speaker compared the picture of our lives to that of a picture drawn by a two year old. As an observer to this picture we have no idea what it is acutally representing unless we go to the artist or “author” of the picture. Once asked, the child will be able to describe with vivid accuracy exactly what is in the picture and what each seemingly meaningless squiggly line is there for. It is the same way with our lives and the picture that God has drawn for each of us. We will never know what our picture is telling us unless we go to the author and crator, who like that child can tell us exactly what we are made for, how to get to that point where we are fulfilling our purpose and how to enjoy each step and adventure.

 

2 Timothy 2:11- 13

This is a true saying:

If we die with him, we will also live with him.

If we endure hardship, we will reign with him.

If we deny him, he will deny us.

If we are unfaithful, he REMAINS faithful, for he cannot deny himself.

 

 

Changes…whoo! September 22, 2008

La mia vita, il mio amore

My life, my love

Ahh the joys of beginning  a new year, well school year anyways. I am living on the same floor as last year just down the hall from my old room and my old roomie. My new roommates name is Ryan and she is from Louisiana, here through an exchange program. This summer has definatly been one of hard learned, but necessary, lessons which I am excited to put into practice! I am still involved in Cru and my old bible study from last year and a new one that my roomie Emily is leading. I am also still hangin out with middle schoolers, I have 7th grade girls this year and its a blast! I love getting to hang with them and hear what they are thinking, its hard to believe that I was that age at one point. lol And altough there are many things that I get to keep doing…A lot has changed since even just last week! I am going to declare Spanish as a major in the next few weeks. I am trying to take a class on line this summer in order to get it out of the way for next year so that i can graduate on time. i have been trying to find a minor to go along with Spanish but i have not yet decided if that is what i am going to do or if i am going to just take it “easy” for the next few years and just be available for opportunities that arise. if i cant take the spanish class on line from OC or SPSCC then i may be going to Nica for language school this summer. There is also an internship in Mexico that i am looking at. it is 2 months long and you basically go down and live there and organize trips from the states to the city that we would be living in. it is called Global Adventures in Oaxaca, Mexico. There are a variety of activities that the interns get to be involved in, but the main job is to organize and facilitate a missions trip! I am looking at this because i think that it is what i want to do once i graduate so i will keep looking at that for the next few years, maybe between Jr and sr years or right after graduation!  I cant believe that things are finally coming together for me! I have most definatly been learning a whole lot through this whole process, give God an inch and he will take a mile!

Living an “and-then-some” life September 10, 2008

Last week in youth group we began a series called “dear Lord please make me…” The first topic was living life passionately. Then oddly enough the following sermon in “big church” was similar, “living life as if we only had one month to live”. and a similar topic in Cru as well. obviously this has gotten me thinking, it is a huge call and challenge to live like there is no tomorrow because in all reality, no matter how depressing that is for some of us, we really have no idea how long we will be here or how many chances we will get to make a difference so we had better use what we are given each day to the fullest.

the passage that we used for youth group was Genesis 24, the story of Rebekah and Isaac.  Abraham sends one of his servants to a neighboring land to search for a wife for his son Isaac. when the servant arrived at a well he began to pray, “This is my request. I will ask one of them for a drink. If she says, ‘Yes, certianly, and I will water your camels , too!’ Let her be the one you have appointed for Isaac’s wife.” (Gen. 24:14)

He is looking for someone with not only a servants heart but one who lives to give more than the best they have. as Christians, and even nonbelievers, there is something that we are passionate about, we surpass all expectations, improbabilities and normalicy in persuit of achieving a certian goal or level, whether it be in sports, academics, art, music or anyother activity. For Christians God does not want to be just something that we fill in our free time with, he wants to to be our everything, the main event. This style of living should be one of the ways that we are visibly different from those around us, living life with passion and what we choose to expend our energies on. When others are just skating by they should be wondering why we go above and beyond what is expected. another point that i have heard quite a bit about the last few weeks is those who just go through the motions, not living passionately but just following the directions and getting through the day. that is when christianity simply becomes a “religion” and not a relationship or friendship.

Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”

“‘Please give me a drink.’ ‘Certianly,’ she said, and she quickly lowered her jug for him to drink. when he had finished, she said, ‘I’ll draw water for your camels, too, until they have had enough!’ So she quickly emptied the jug into the watering trough and ran down to the well again. She kept carrying water to the camels until they had finished drinking.”  (Gen. 24:18-20)

Rebekah offered to water his camels without being asked, she showed a servants heart, one that is truly following God, not just going through the “religious” motions. One who is truly following and in love with Jesus is willing to sacrifice for what needs to be done. Another interesting point was the emphasis on the fact that she did these things quickly, both in carrying the water and in her quickness in offering to water his camels (earlier in the text it mentions that he had 10 camels, thats a lot of water), she did it without hesitation, she did not stop to measure the cost of this decision.

“Work like it depends on you, pray like it depends on God.”

“then atlast when the camels had finished drinking, he gave her a gold ring for her nose and two large gold bracelets for her wrists…” (Gen. 24:22)

she brought him home with her, upon his request, so that he would have  a place to stay and he made his intentions known to her family immediatly…

“Here is Rebekah; take her and go. Yes, let her be the wife of your masters son, as the Lord has directed.” (Gen 24:51)

Often times when an opportunity presents itself we miss out on it because we hesitate or are too afraid to step out in faith. sometimes we have to pray for direction but then we are not proactive and miss on an extrordinary chance because we are waiting for God to “show up” and lead us exactly where he wants us to go but often times, until we show some faith in Him, God will not act until we do. If someone wants to get something accomplished or improve a skill, they do not sit and think about getting better, but instead we must actively persue our goals.

Rebekah never hesitated in this story but continued to give, living and “and-then-some” life, for which she was richly blessed.

Floundering… October 11, 2007

What the heck am I doing here?  So this week I had to interview 2 people, a professional in the field that I am interested in and a student who is majoring in a field that I am interested in. Now how am I supposed to do this if I no longer have any idea what I want to major in?  I ended up interviewing my Infectious Diseases prof. who is amazing and I love her class and one of my friends who is a nursing major (even though I am almost positive that I am not going to be a nursing student).  I basically obliterated any thought of being a nursing major, primarily because I do not want to be a nurse, I would want to be a Physicians Assistant and that requires a special 2-3 year program in addition to a BA degree. So now that I know that I do not want to be a nurse, what do I do for the next 4 years of school?  I would love to be a photography major but I cannot afford it. I would lose my scholarship because it is a “high demand” major so they are trying to limit the number of students in the program, I would have to buy a new computer (a mac none the less) and I would be a year behind already.  I could be a fish and wildlife major but I don’t know that I want to count fish for the rest of my life…