“…So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows
and love simply expands to contain it. Love is just the skin of knowing.”
The Shack, pg. 155
For the last three weeks my church here in MT has been doing a series on The Shack and in reading this book and hearing sermons, evaluating and measuring it, I have learned a great deal. The section above is just one of the many passages that deeply impacted me, and made me realize certain things about my life and situation over the last few months.
As many of you know I am once again living in the dorms. This choice, that seemed simple and “easy” at the end of last year, has been anything but easy and noninvasive.
In the two weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I reached the lowest and darkest point of my life, Satan was at work and he was campaigning hard for my failure in this endeavor of ministering to my peers in the dorms and my reliance on Christ.
My roommate this year has been a huge burden on my heart; she is not a Christian and does not have a good opinion of those who claim that title. At home she is surrounded by those who say they are Xian’s but I am guessing that, by their actions, most of them are not truly alive in Christ. In other words, she sees the flaws of people and associates that with God, which if we did not know the truth, who would blame her, I would not want anything to do with a God that I associate the flaws of people with. So, knowing this I have been trying to just live out my faith and hope that it is a testimony to her of the other side of the Christian faith, the side worth living for.
I have often heard the question of, “Why is it that life seems to go fine for those who are not Christians but for those of us who live out our faith life seems so hard?” And the answer often given is this, “Satan does not need to attack those who are not Christians, they are right where he wants them, in a state of complacency, while to those of us who are Xian’s he unleashes his full force because he is not going to give us up without a fight.”
Well by Thanksgiving I was feeling the full force of this struggle between Light and Dark. Satan was using all of my flaws, and oddly enough pet peeves, against me. It would seem that Ryan does every one of my major pet peeves (hmm…maybe God is wanting to teach me something). It got to the point that I dreaded even setting foot into my dorm room, every time that I would open my door and see her there I would just instantly feel angry and annoyed (like how dare she be in her own room!). I stopped being able to sleep, I was up till 3 am or earlier for 3 or 4 nights in a row and getting up for 8 o’clock classes. At Cru that week I was so tired that I just started to cry and could not stop, I hate crying, especially in public, but I could not stop the tears from streaming down my face, and finally one night while talking to my mom I totally broke down, sobbing on the phone (I think that I kinda freaked her out).
Throughout this entire period I was constantly searching for God but it seemed like he was gone, he had abandoned me, I was not good enough for him to want to help me and lead me, little did I know that this was the time that there was only one set of foot prints in the sand because he was, in fact, carrying me.
…I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”
– Mary Stevenson –
Once I realized what was happening, that I was being attacked, I was so far down that I was not sure that I would be able to get back up. But God knew, and knows, what he is doing, even if I don’t.
Over Thanksgiving break Em and KT and I house-sat for a friend and it was the weirdest and most amazing blessing I have ever received or witnessed. The house was so cold that we went to bed and watched a movie at like 8 every night so that we could just get warm, so we were getting at least 14 hours of sleep every night, and good sleep was what I needed more than anything at this point, but if the house had been warm like a regular house I probably would have come away from break more tired than when it started, talk about serving a God that plans for every need that we could ever have, no matter how small!
So I continued to struggle with this situation, I would get annoyed, then I would pray and try to do better and then I would just get annoyed again; I was stuck in this cycle but at least I realized what I was up against and was trying to fight it. I would fall asleep praying for grace and wisdom but it wasn’t until after Christmas break that I really felt and experienced a change. God was starting to, and still is, change my heart toward Ryan, I was beginning to truly love her and care about her. What was once just an assignment, a need to fulfill my job of showing Christ to her, has become the desire of my heart, the expansion of my knowing her has caused my love for her to expand and grow to fit around it.
Romans 12:9-10
9Don’t just pretend that you love others. Really love them.
Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good.
10Love each other with genuine affection,
and take delight in honoring each other.
I had finally learned to love her as a sister and someone who desperately needs to know the genuine love of Christ and of his followers!
As I sit and write this I can smile, even though she is snoring and the humidifier is going. This heart change says nothing of me but everything of the Savior that has invaded this “rebel soul” and made it white as snow and malleable to His perfect will.
