I feel like Davy Jones, although in a different way altogether, in that it is in returning to the Sea that I find my heart once again. Well, at least a piece of it. Over the last year or so I have been on a journey of discovery, a journey of discovery that, at the end or perhaps simply a place along the way, has lead me to realize that my whole heart no longer, or never has, fully resided in the crashing of the powerful waves but in fact has been divided and spread wide. One piece remains locked firmly away on a fishing boat that waits patiently for her lady to return with the coming of the summer and salmon run, although I have come to realize that though my heart will forever remain on the Last Frontier, it may decrease as I set out to discover and conquer New Frontiers. New frontiers such as my middle school girls, who remind me of where I came from, and no matter how cool and in the know I think I am, I started out just as awkward and oblivious as they are now, and in reality I still see myself in them. Another piece, perhaps my greatest treasure, lies with my family always. Even if at times we can be each other’s stumbling blocks and greatest critics, they are also a strong haven to run to and confide in.  The most recent hiding place for my heart is, as of February 2006, Honduras and more widely Central America. For years my mother has always said that I was meant to be a part of the Hispanic culture because of my love for bright and vivid colors, and perhaps she is right. But more than just the colors, the enormity of the collective heart of these people and the brilliant and intricate make up of their culture and who they are as a people group draws me in, in a way that I have never experienced before. Their ability to love and share and just be simply grateful for what little they do have astounds me. The simplicity and honesty allures. I sincerely believe that God has led me on this journey to help me prepare to relinquish that which has so long defined who I was and am as an individual, that which I saw as my only distinction among many. God will often require us to release our grip on one aspect of our lives in order to entrust us with something else far greater than we could have ever imagined. For the last few months God has been pressing on my heart an urgent desire to return to Central America with a team from my school I am in the process of making that dream a reality, I know it will be hard, with many obstacles in my way but with a spirit of perseverance and faith I will trust in God’s guidance and will. I do not know where with journey will take me and to where it will ultimately end but He has promised us great plans for each of our futures, and I firmly believe that He is beginning to reveal His ultimate plan for me, for which He has been preparing me for all these years.

I feel this transition coming, my time of living in timidity and fear is coming to an end, even if I am not fully ready to realize and accept that idea. My passion is for missions, short term missions; my dream is to enable others to live their best lives in every way; my purpose is to act, mobilize and change the world; my desire through it all is to serve my God whole heartedly, completely, beyond the weaknesses that I see in myself.

This is a quote from a book by Tommy Tenney about Hadassah or Queen Esther. Jacob, a priest at the new Temple in Jerusalem, is describing to Mordecai and Hadassah the experience of standing in God’s presence in the Temple…

“And then Mordecai asked the fateful question. ‘What was it really like to enter the Holy Place, the dwelling of the Almighty?’

The old man turned to his host and raised his eyebrows high. I could not tell whether he was giving Mordecai a quick reappraisal or glaring at him for his impudence. Then I saw that his eyes were watering.

…But then he looked away, and two large tears rolled over the creases below his eyelids only to disappear in the sparse hairs of his beard. No, I could tell he was not angry at Mordecai for asking the question. He was merely preparing his reply with all the strength he could muster.

‘Ah yes, the perennial question. Or at least is once was. Ah, my son…’ and he trailed off. Then he turned around quickly, with a surprising ferocity in his eyes. ‘It’s not just what you think, you know. Everyone thinks it is all fear and trembling. And some days it was. Especially in my early years. But I will tell you the truth. The memory that keeps my heart strong and my head clear is the thought of days when my heart was pure before Him. When I had spent time reading the Sacred Texts, preparing myself beforehand, had sung His praises, asked for forgiveness of my sins, I would enter the temple and suddenly be engulfed in His presence…’

…‘G-d really does have a presence, do you know?’… ‘My whole being would throb with this awareness of His person. I thought I could feel His heart. And at such times I was glad everyone else kept their distance, because often I would dance and laugh and weep and sing and shout all at the same time because my chest felt like it would truly, truly burst if I did not. I felt—I felt…well, have you ever seen a young child greet a beloved father after a long absence? The little arms pumping, the little legs churning, the leap into his arms, the tears in the father’s eyes? I felt like that. A child so overcome with joy at His return that all I wanted to do in this world was to leap as high into His bosom as I could. And I could feel his tears, too. That’s the wonder of it, don’t you see? I could feel His Spirit being fed, His heart gladdened, His pain—yes, His pain—being healed somehow.’ He halted his speech and looked down into his lap somberly. Then he said very quietly, almost a whisper, ‘I could feel G-d’s pain. In fact, I thought of it on my journey here whenever I looked out at the eternity of the desert. G-d’s pain because of sin and evil and heartbreak was vast and endless and searing. I can still feel its weight upon my soul.’

…‘That’s only a tiny part of it, don’t you know?’

…‘I also felt struck by lightning. I tingled with a knowledge that I stood in the presence of the Being who created the universe, who created me. And that anything could happen. I could be ushered into glories unspeakable. I could be granted the kingship of Israel. I could be struck dead. Who knows? When you are in the presence of the King of Kings, destiny—not just your own, but the worlds—can change in the twinkling of an eye.’

…‘I always believed,’ Jacob continued, ‘that the catalyst for these times of blissful closeness to Him was that I had focused my attention on Him, not on myself. Not on the fact that the Master of the Universe, may His name be blessed, stood in my presence, and I in His at that moment. I could not even think of such a thing, although I suppose it was true. No, like that little child, I was completely enraptured by His arrival and His presence, and my own part in the matter was completely forgotten. Then, of course, as He surrounded me and wrapped me like an infant in those Abba arms, it became even more impossible to turn a thought unto myself. What caused His joy was not my puny righteousness—my holiness, which would have been like filthy rags to Him had He chosen to examine it. In that moment His charity—His favor—was far too great to scrutinize my fault. Again, it was not about me. Not about me at all. What caused His joy was seeing my rapture at His presence and the communion that it sparked. That is what gladdens His heart. Often I have to remind myself that the example of parenthood is not accidental. Hi is our Father. He is many other things, too, of course. But He is every bit as much a Father, and more, than any man whose heart has ever ached at being separated from his little ones.’

…‘I never forget those moments with the King of Kings, not ever. Today, I suppose I am the most expendable person you could imagine. An old, infirm man. One good whack of a bandit’s sword would do me in. Yet I remember, without vanity I hope, that I have stood in His presence and found favor with Him. And no one can ever take the joy, the knowledge, the certainty of that away.’”

My results:

http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive/results/?oR=0.55&cR=0.778&eR=0.375&aR=0.806&nR=0.281&y=1980&g=f

Take it yourself:

http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive/

This post is in response to a comment from a guy named Jon from my “Art of Knowing” post…

I have often heard the question of, “Why is it that life seems to go fine for those who are not Christians but for those of us who live out our faith life seems so hard?” And the answer often given is this, “Satan does not need to attack those who are not Christians, they are right where he wants them, in a state of complacency, while to those of us who are Xian’s he unleashes his full force because he is not going to give us up without a fight.”

“Maybe the people who ask this question just don’t know many non-Christians, but please don’t fool yourself that things are going fine across the board for any group of people. I have been both and can tell you that atheists have the same problems that Christians do.” 

– Jon

“…we can ignore even pleasures. But pain insists on being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

I realize that non-Christians suffer, I live with a very non-Christian and I see how she suffers and it makes my incredibly sad. But all I can do is live out the truth for her and pray that God will choose to use this to make her discontent with the life that she is living and look for something more. On my college campus I hear and see every day that these students are suffering but I also see the movement of God on our campus and it gives me incredible joy and hope. When I quoted that question I was referring to only one small part of suffering, suffering from a specific point of view. I was referring to when Satan attacks us in order to stop us from doing what God has called us to do. Human suffering is, on every level, the result of living in a fallen world. How we view and respond to those sufferings is the great divider. With reference to the struggles of Christians vs. non-Christians, I am talking about those times when things go wrong while we are living for Him, when God has our attention. Each “side” has their uses for suffering and struggles, one to divide and conquer, the other to reconcile. Struggles, due to sin and other factors, are present on either side. Those who are not Christians suffer because God is trying to get them to turn to Him and Satan is using those trials to turn them away and make them angry with God. We either sink deeper into sin, and things get better because Satan likes it that way or things get worse because God is not willing to give in and let us give up. The same is true when, as Christians, we go through trials because Satan is trying to pull us away from dependence on God or God is trying to make us stronger in our faith and fully dependent on Him.

Romans 5:3-4

Faith Brings Joy

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials,

for we know that they are food for us –

they help us learn to endure .

And endurance develops strength of character in us,

and character strengthens our confident

expectation of salvation.

This question primarily arises, I think, because when we are living fully for God and being His ambassadors, we feel a sense of entitlement, that it is some sort of two way street. We make a bargain with God that if we work for Him then, He will clear the way for us and make every thing work out perfectly. This does not happen though, and for two reasons I think: 1. Satan does not want us to work for God so he puts up roadblocks and 2. God allows and uses those roadblocks to fulfill Romans 5:3-4. Without trials and difficulty, we would not learn to walk by faith and to endure. Essentially, it would be too easy and we would gain nothing from this work, it would take no step (or leap) of faith.

So, whether this question is valid or not, we still ask it and I don’t think we will very easily give up on or feeling of entitlement. 

“…So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows

and love simply expands to contain it. Love is just the skin of knowing.”

The Shack, pg. 155

For the last three weeks my church here in MT has been doing a series on The Shack and in reading this book and hearing sermons, evaluating and measuring it, I have learned a great deal. The section above is just one of the many passages that deeply impacted me, and made me realize certain things about my life and situation over the last few months.

As many of you know I am once again living in the dorms. This choice, that seemed simple and “easy” at the end of last year, has been anything but easy and noninvasive.

In the two weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I reached the lowest and darkest point of my life, Satan was at work and he was campaigning hard for my failure in this endeavor of ministering to my peers in the dorms and my reliance on Christ.

My roommate this year has been a huge burden on my heart; she is not a Christian and does not have a good opinion of those who claim that title. At home she is surrounded by those who say they are Xian’s but I am guessing that, by their actions, most of them are not truly alive in Christ. In other words, she sees the flaws of people and associates that with God, which if we did not know the truth, who would blame her, I would not want anything to do with a God that I associate the flaws of people with. So, knowing this I have been trying to just live out my faith and hope that it is a testimony to her of the other side of the Christian faith, the side worth living for.

I have often heard the question of, “Why is it that life seems to go fine for those who are not Christians but for those of us who live out our faith life seems so hard?” And the answer often given is this, “Satan does not need to attack those who are not Christians, they are right where he wants them, in a state of complacency, while to those of us who are Xian’s he unleashes his full force because he is not going to give us up without a fight.”

Well by Thanksgiving I was feeling the full force of this struggle between Light and Dark. Satan was using all of my flaws, and oddly enough pet peeves, against me. It would seem that Ryan does every one of my major pet peeves (hmm…maybe God is wanting to teach me something). It got to the point that I dreaded even setting foot into my dorm room, every time that I would open my door and see her there I would just instantly feel angry and annoyed (like how dare she be in her own room!). I stopped being able to sleep, I was up till 3 am or earlier for 3 or 4 nights in a row and getting up for 8 o’clock classes. At Cru that week I was so tired that I just started to cry and could not stop, I hate crying, especially in public, but I could not stop the tears from streaming down my face, and finally one night while talking to my mom I totally broke down, sobbing on the phone (I think that I kinda freaked her out).

Throughout this entire period I was constantly searching for God but it seemed like he was gone, he had abandoned me, I was not good enough for him to want to help me and lead me, little did I know that this was the time that there was only one set of foot prints in the sand because he was, in fact, carrying me. 

…I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”

– Mary Stevenson –

Once I realized what was happening, that I was being attacked, I was so far down that I was not sure that I would be able to get back up. But God knew, and knows, what he is doing, even if I don’t.

Over Thanksgiving break Em and KT and I house-sat for a friend and it was the weirdest and most amazing blessing I have ever received or witnessed. The house was so cold that we went to bed and watched a movie at like 8 every night so that we could just get warm, so we were getting at least 14 hours of sleep every night, and good sleep was what I needed more than anything at this point, but if the house had been warm like a regular house I probably would have come away from break more tired than when it started, talk about serving a God that plans for every need that we could ever have, no matter how small!

So I continued to struggle with this situation, I would get annoyed, then I would pray and try to do better and then I would just get annoyed again; I was stuck in this cycle but at least I realized what I was up against and was trying to fight it. I would fall asleep praying for grace and wisdom but it wasn’t until after Christmas break that I really felt and experienced a change. God was starting to, and still is, change my heart toward Ryan, I was beginning to truly love her and care about her. What was once just an assignment, a need to fulfill my job of showing Christ to her, has become the desire of my heart, the expansion of my knowing her has caused my love for her to expand and grow to fit around it.

Romans 12:9-10

⁹Don’t just pretend that you love others. Really love them.

Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good.

¹⁰Love each other with genuine affection,

and take delight in honoring each other.

I had finally learned to love her as a sister and someone who desperately needs to know the genuine love of Christ and of his followers!

As I sit and write this I can smile, even though she is snoring and the humidifier is going. This heart change says nothing of me but everything of the Savior that has invaded this “rebel soul” and made it white as snow and malleable to His perfect will.

Isaiah 62

²The nations will see your righteousness. Kings will be blinded by your glory. And the Lord will give you a new name.

Change.

Once again we see that we are called to be different so that people will see our righteousness in Christ. We don’t have to follow our old patterns because we have been given a new life and a new name, a new character. People should be able to watch us and interact with us and it should be abundantly clear to them that Christ is alive in us that they cannot live life until they have what we have.

³The Lord will hold you in his hands for all to see—a splendid crown in the hands of God. ⁴Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City

or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God’s Delight and the Bride of God, for the Lord delights in you and will claim you as his own.

⁶O Jerusalem, I have posted watchmen on your walls, they will pray to

the Lord day and night for the fulfillment of his promises. Take no rest, all you who pray. ⁷Give the Lord no rest until he makes Jerusalem the

 object of praise throughout the earth.

Pray.

Just as Jerusalem needed prayer warriors, so do we. We need people in our lives that know our struggles and weaknesses so that they can pray for strength and keep us accountable. But we must also learn be available to do this for others as well. This is defiantly an area that I struggle with the most. I just can never seem to remember to pray regularly for those that I love.

⁸The Lord has sworn to Jerusalem by his strength: “I will never again hand you over to your enemies. Never again will foreign warriors come and take away your grain and wine.

 ¹⁰Go out! Prepare the highway for my people to return! Smooth out the

 road; pull out the boulders, raise a flag for all the nations to see.

Go.

Those of us who already know Jesus should be building a path with our lives that will lead others to the truth. We should work to remove those things and the questions that others have that would hinder them in finding the truth.

¹¹The Lord has sent this message to every land: “Tell the people of

Israel, ‘Look, your Savior is coming. See, he brings his reward with him as he comes.’” ¹²They will be called the Holy People and the People

Redeemed by the Lord. And Jerusalem will be known as the Desirable Place and the City No Longer Forsaken.

This is a summer project through Campus Crusades for Christ. It is in Unganda, working with orphans and reaching out to the locals for 2 weeks.  These dates do include travel time so it will be about 8 days in country…November 1st is when registration starts so there will be more up dates about this adventure of mine once that happens…

http://gosummerproject.com/showproject.php?id=597

 Ok so update. As of right now I am Not going on this trip because they have changed the dates so that it interferes with my finals. I am now looking into my second option of going to Central America with Jeff and Nancy. Which I am actually super excited about and am also trying to talk my roommate from last year into going with me too.

you should go check out my web pages that i had to make for my CS class. the Potter’s Hand Photography link is a page of my favorite pics that I have taken : )

http://studentweb.montana.edu/josie.burnfield/

Isaiah 53:3-6

He was despised and rejected–a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest

grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went

by. He was despised, and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he

carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his

troubles were a punishment from God for his own sins! But he was wounded

and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was

whipped, and we were healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We

have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the LORD laid on him the guilt

and sins of us all.

“The blood was his, the tears was mine”

-Some WIldflower in my Heart

Isaiah 49:16

See, I have written your name on my hand.

I just like this verse because it reminds me of when girls write the name of the boy that they like on their hands, and everything else for that matter. It makes me realize how much I am loved. The hole in Jesus’ hands is my name and it will be there forever. When he died on the cross and I accepted that gift my name was added to those who already had theirs on Jesus’ hand, those holes are there because of me but he would have it no other way.